It maybe started with me and belle_bing talking about the very odd dream I had the other night:
- sekkritbandomlj: Ryan wasn't there either. And Spencer was just randomly in the van with his entire shoe collection and not sharing.
belle_bing: ahahaha oh spencer and his travelling shoes
sekkritbandomlj: ....omg. I have this image of Spencer dressed as a ringleader, at the wheel of this garishly painted red and yellow truck that proclaims it is, "THE AMAZING SPENCER SMITH AND HIS TRAVELLING SHOES!" And they give shows along the road. And the shoes do tricks.
belle_bing: SPENCER'S SHOES DO TRICKS!
sekkritbandomlj: YES.
And then... then I maybe started hypothesizing what that would it would be like if Spencer Smith's shoes did tricks. They would, of course, be doing tricks in late Victorian England. Because, well. They would be magic shoes. And magic shoes mean mediums and spiritualists. And stuff. The rest is pretty much just an edited version of what I narrated to B via AIM. Please realize that I'm pretty ignorant about a lot of bandom things, as I insist on reading only AUs, looking at no pictures, and knowing as little canon as possible. Ahem.
Title: The Amazing Spencer Smith and His Travelling Shoes!
Author: Mandy/sekkritbandomlj
Rated: PG
Pairing(s): Ryan/Brendon, with some Jon/Spencer and hints of others
Word Count: 3800 or so
Summary: Spencer Smith is a showman with a wagon full of magic shoes. He travels about with his business partner, Jon Walker, and Jon's sister Brenda. All would be well, except Mr. Smith's arch-enemy, Mr. G.R. Ross, is determined to ruin his life.
Disclaimer: Right, uh. Not true, not real, completely fake, don't sue. BLAME B. And my subconscious. Also, possibly, my weird sense of humor.
Originally, it was just Spencer. Jon Walker was a blacksmith in a small town and he had to re-shoe Spencer Smith's horses one time, and fix a broken axle, and any number of other things (Spencer was maybe not all that great about taking care of his wagon – he took care of his shoes, that was what mattered). He took his sweet time doing it, making it so that Spencer had to stick around town. By the time that it everything was fixed and Spencer was ready to go, he found that he couldn't really do without Jon anymore, so Jon came along. And then Brendon ran away from home to join the show, because he fell in love with the shiny shoes. Ryan tried to debunk them, like how there used to be the guys who would debunk spiritualists in the 1800s, early 1900s. (It should totally take place during that time period, so that Ryan has an excuse to dress pretty and ostentatious with cravats and hats and stuff.) He follows them about, determined to discover the secret! Or maybe they come to his small town and he is sure that they are stealing the money of little old ladies with false tricks!
They are not doing any of this of course, but there is another group who is, and Ryan must overcome his suspicions of Spencer & Co. in order to keep them from going to gaol! Or maybe they are thrown in gaol and he must clear their names? He doesn't want to at first, but he finds he is desperately in love! He must discover who the true culprits are and gather enough evidence to make a convincing case to the authorities so that they arrest them and release Spencer & Co.
Brendon comes from a minor (or major!) noble family, so he really does have to hide his identity so that he doesn't get sent back home/doesn't ruin the family name by travelling with a sideshow. He originally ran off because he loved the shoes but also because he thought he was head-over-heels for the charming ticketman! He steals one of his sister's dresses and puts that on so that he can sneak into the show without anyone spotting him. And he is smitten with the show and Mister Smith's assistant, so he hides in the back of the wagon among all the shoes (who love him, of course) and they don't discover him until they're far enough away that he cannot be easily sent back.
He begs and pleads to be allowed to come along and Spencer is all bitchy because, "Hello, you touched my shoes." But Jon has a way with Spencer and smoothes down all his ruffled feathers and Spencer grumpily allows the new girl to join up, though she is totally on probation for now.
Brendon helps out and is useful and it is discovered that he is a genius with musical instruments and the shoes love him and Spencer grudgingly admits that yeah, maybe they're doing better since the girl joined up. And Brendon catches on to the Jon/Spencer pretty quick and his infatuation disappears before long (though he's still infatuated with Jon, of course, because hello it's Jon Walker, and he's awesome, but he's not head-over-heels for him in the same way, really, because Jon and Spencer are just so darned cute together).
After about three months it comes out that Brenda is really Brendon. This happens through an absolutely hilarious comedy of errors and awkward circumstances, and Spencer is pissed about being lied to, but then there is the possibility of Brendon's charade being uncovered and his being sent back to his family and no one takes away Spencer Smith's little girl, k thx.
Spencer defends Brendon tooth and claw, and finally the suspicious old schoolmate of Brendon's is convinced that yes, this is the Jon Walker's younger sister Brenda, who joined her brother and his business partner on the road when their parents died, not Brendon Urie. Spencer's Bitchy Death Glare of DOOM maybe does a lot to help convince him. They are mostly happy with their simple lives on the road. All the old ladies love the Walker siblings! Jon charms them, as does Brenda, and she blushes and giggles when they ask about her beaux, but she doesn't have anyone special, of course, as they are always travelling. All three frequently completely forget that Brenda is not really a girl. (Spencer maybe kinda loves buying pretty dresses for "her" and Brenda maybe kinda loves wearing them because they are gorgeous and she loves the lavender dress Spencer got her! It's so pretty!)
[And this is the point were I seriously start to write it like a fic. Kinda. Oh god.]
The first thing Miss Brenda Walker notices about Mr. G.R. Ross are his shoes. They are shiny black leather with little round jet black buttons, and really, the style is such that they should really look like women's shoes, but on Mr. Ross they are completely masculine and don't look a hair out of place.
She points out the shoes to Mr. Smith as they watch the crowd line up outside the tent and soon the two of them are plotting to acquire the shoes for the show, because it is quite obvious that they must have them. Then, however, Mr. Smith spots who those particular feet belong to and his face goes dark and his mouth twists into a sneer. "Ross," he hisses, and Brenda is confused at first, but then Mr. Smith goes on to explain about George R. Ross and how he is one of Mr. Smith's arch-enemies.
Brenda's brother shows up around this point, and he snickers softly. Jon finds the dynamics between Ross and Smith absolutely hilarious, it seems. Mr. Smith is not pleased with Jon's amusement. They have had past encounters with Ross when they've passed through this area and every time Ross swears he'll discover Spencer's secret and every time Spencer accuses Ross of being a fruity and pernicious little terrier who just doesn't know when it's time to admit defeat. Jon keeps it from ever coming to blows, and he confides in Brenda later that evening that he thinks the two have actually grown a little fond of each other and that honestly, he believes Spencer would be worried if Ross did not show up to berate and belittle their show.
After the show, Brenda is hanging around outside the tent, enjoying the cool spring weather and Ross maybe accidently bumps into her and he is apologetic but horribly stuffy and quickly hurries off. Brenda laughs and thinks him rather queer.
The next day Brenda is in town, picking up supplies and things. Mr. Smith keeps putting holes in his silk stockings and he insists that he must have silk stockings to wear the delicately embroidered slippers that Jon says came all the way from China! She is just exiting the green grocer's (because honestly, those boys would live on shoe polish and that deliciously strong coffee Jon brews if allowed to, and someone has to make sure they eat proper meals) when she is accosted by a drunkard who appears to be determined to have his wicked way with her! Normally Brenda would be more than capable of taking care of herself, but she is taking a couple of Mr. Smith's favorites for a walk and she would never forgive herself if she scuffed them kicking some ruffian. (Neither would Mr. Smith – his affection for his partner's sister only goes so far and does not cover Shoe Abuse.)
Brenda is frightened! She bats ineffectually at her attacker but can do nothing! Other people on the street notice the scuffle but quickly hurry along (mayhap the drunkard is actually a man of some power in the small community) and pretend they don't see. Alas, what shall become of poor Brenda Walker???
THEN! Out of nowhere (or, okay, from the bookshop down the street) comes Mr. Ross to the rescue! He may be slight and slightly feminine (not that Brenda would ever admit it, as he's ever so dashing at the moment and oh, she can feel her heart flutter in her breast!), but he has a walking stick and it is quite clear that he knows how to use it, particularly when a young woman's virtue is at stake.
He thrashes the ruffian and rescues Miss Brenda, practically sweeping her off her feet. A constable arrives and Mr. Ross leaves the (rather banged up) drunkard in his capable hands and, picking up his parcel of books, offers his arm to Miss Brenda and asks her if she would care to take tea with him at the teahouse just down the street. Miss Brenda maybe swoons a little.
Thus begins the awkward courtship!
Awkward because Brenda feels like she cannot possibly let Mr. Ross know that she is part of Spencer Smith's travelling troupe, and because she cannot possibly let Mr. Smith know about Mr. Ross' attentions. Jon is overjoyed that his sister has finally shown interest in someone (who isn't him, thank god) and helps her with her efforts to be courted and hide her courtship.
When the truth comes out (through a near-impossible and improbable series of events and I think the fake medium group maybe is made up of Gabe Saporta, who claims to channel the spirit of a naga, and a couple of other Cobra members), Mr. Ross is appalled to learn of Miss Brenda's association with that charlatan Smith, to say nothing of her obvious hiding of this fact. Mr. Smith is equally appalled, not just by the fact that Brenda has allowed herself to be wooed by that idiot Ross, but also by the fact that some freak has been trying something with his little girl, the bastard! (Mister Spencer Smith is perhaps a wee bit overprotective of his girl. Jon thinks this to be a bit unfair, seeing as how she's his sister after all, not Spencer's.)
But that vile villain Saporta plants false evidence that makes it seem that Mr. Smith's shoes are not in the least bit magical, he is a complete fraud. Not only that, but apparently Mr. Smith is a clever con man as well and has been making off with the jewels and silver of little old ladies and absentminded professors across the the country. Smith and his right-hand man are promptly thrown in the gaol by the constable. Miss Brenda, who had been doing the shopping (read: crying her eyes out and hiding under a bridge because not only is Mr. Smith angry with her again – though not as angry as he is when she forgets to buff the leather riding boots properly – but Mr. Ross has rejected her completely, and she has only just realized that she is possibly completely in love with him!), comes back at the tail-end of the arrest and has the presence of mind to hide in the bushes and watch rather than come out and be carried off as well.
Miss Brenda is distraught! Her family has been taken away in the paddywagon and she has no idea what to do, as the evidence against them is tremendous and she is unfamiliar with the region!
Luckily, she knows a local.
When Miss Salpeter (she went back to her maiden name when her soldier-husband died abroad less than a year after they were wed) opens the door to her home, she is descended upon by a sobbing girl who brokenly requests to see her cousin, Mr. Ross, who resides with her. (He used to live on his own, but after she visited and discovered that he'd gone nearly a week on tea and maybe some bread and suspicious-looking cheese because he was so absentminded, she put her foot down and forced him to move in with her, claiming to need company in her distraught, widowed state. Mr. Ross knows better than to try and argue with the women in his family.)
Miss Salpeter's ("Please, call me Greta.") heart goes out to the poor girl, particularly once she has related her tale of woe. It doesn't hurt that her cousin has been equally miserable for the past few days, over, perhaps, she thinks now, this same girl. She feeds Miss Brenda tea and cookies and tells Ross to grow up and be a gentleman. He actually tries to argue at first, but then he sees Miss Brenda's face and his throat closes up and honestly, it is only Greta's hand on his arm that keeps him from marching out and attacking the constable with his walking stick.
Between the three of them, they devise a Plan to clear the names of Spencer Smith and Jon Walker.
The shoes help.
Through careful detective work (and perhaps some more Hushie cameos – Miss Greta has been in mourning for too long, perhaps the shopboy at the green grocer's has a thing for her? and helps with the Plan?), they discover that SWAMI COBRA, THE MYSTICAL MEDIUM is the real evil mastermind! Not only is he a false medium (he doesn't even have the excuse of opium visions! he actually stole his entire schtick from an obscure French novel that probably only half a dozen people in England have ever heard of – luckily, Mr. Ross is one of these six), but he is the actual thief responsible for the thefts that Smith and Walker have been accused of!
They must discover where the loot is being kept, and also figure out a way to have Saporta and his cronies implicate themselves in front of the constable and the local lord, who is not at all inclined to like Mr. Ross, as the bully beat him up with a walking stick for appreciating a pretty girl on the street a month back, but who is also currently hosting Saporta and his troupe, as the man is absolutely fascinated by psychics (he was very sad to hear that Mr. Smith was a fraud, as he was positively tickled pink by the idea of magical shoes).
Greta and Brenda talk and it is decided that the best way to get the ear of the lord is to appeal to his love of the fantastical. However, while the shoes are more than willing to listen to and follow the requests of Brenda Walker, who they all adore, what Lord Peter really enjoys are mediums who call the spirits of the dead. It's doubtful he'll allow them into the manor (so that they can search the luggage of Saporta & Co.) for anything less than that.
It is at this point that Greta reveals that part of the reason Ryan (and Brenda can't think of when he stopped being Mr. Ross and became Ryan, she still pinks when referring to him so familiarly) is so dead set against false psychics is that he is one of the most powerful mediums on the isle! Not that he brags about it or anything. Mostly he and the spirits just lament into the wee hours of the morning about the deplorable state of world today, in particular today's youth, which has no sense of propriety.
Ryan must hold a séance at the manor so that they may gain admission! He is completely against it at first, as he doesn't think it's right to use the spirits for monetary gain, but Greta and Brenda convince him that this is different, this is about Justice! Unfortunately for Ryan, the spirits back them up and he has no chance. Plus, Miss Brenda gets this... look. And really, he never stood a chance.
The séance happens! Greta and Miss Brenda and Greta's shopboy, Chris, infiltrate the manor and discover all kinds of evidence in Saporta's luggage, while Ryan and the spirits manage to terrify Saporta into admitting to how he framed the innocent Smith and Walker! It looks like all will be resolved and the day is saved when there is a ruckus at the other end of the house! Ryan and Lord Peter are rushing to discover what the matter is (Lord Peter's valet, Stump, a very solid and upstanding young man, stays with the villainous Saporta) when Greta meets them in the hall. One of Saporta's cronies accosted them, and though he ran off with Chris in hot pursuit, it was not until after he had attacked Miss Brenda with a candlestick!
She is unconscious on the floor, a bruise blooming across her cheek!
Ryan panics! Rushes to her side! Is she breathing? He isn't sure! He fumbles with her dress, determined to loosen her corset so as to help her and– and– And oh dear, Ryan was rather under the impression that women were a bit differently equipped in the chest department than men. Obviously those obscure French novels he loves so have misled him in this case.
Miss Brenda's eyelashes flutter open even as Ryan is staring down at her, dumbfounded. At first she is rather confused by the shocked look on his face, but then she glances down and notices her loosened corset, one of Mr. Smith's old silk stockings in Ryan's hand (hey, he had to put something in the corset, and Mr. Smith had so many of them!), and Brendon knows the jig is up.
Luckily, no one else notices any of this, as Lord Peter's man Stump has just stumbled in, holding a bloody cloth to his temple. Apparently Saporta hit him with a paperweight and made a break for it. Ryan and Miss Brenda are forgotten on the floor in the ensuing chaos as Lord Peter calls on every man in the manor to give chase and hunt down Saporta and his crew (Lord Peter does love a hunt so, and it doesn't hurt that he is appalled that Swami Cobra has caused his beloved valet to bleed, the barbarian).
On the floor, Miss Brenda and Ryan nearly have a moment.
But then Ryan is dragged off to help hunt down Saporta! And then he must give evidence in court against Saporta, along with Greta and Chris. There is a whirlwind of activity! Brenda Walker has holed up in Spencer Smith's wagon and refuses to come out, and Ryan practically avoids that part of town like the plague. Brenda eventually comes out to greet her brother and friend when they are at last released (with many apologies on the part of the constable, though Mr. Smith is determined to sue the pants off of him if Jon'll let him), and when they get back to the wagon, they prepare to pack up and leave. When Jon asks Brenda about her sometime-courtship with Mr. Ross (who maybe Mr. Smith now grudgingly admits is maybe not so bad, particularly after he hears about how Ross helped in their release, and might even possibly be good enough for his girl – maybe), she goes quiet and doesn't speak.
Mr. Smith promptly revises his revised opinion of Ross and Jon has to sit on him to keep him from running off and pounding Ross. Or killing him secretly in the night (which Jon thinks is actually more Spencer's style, really). Once Mr. Smith has calmed down, he and Jon sit down and quite seriously ask Brenda whether she'd like them to... take care of things with Ross. She just looks away, still completely silent, her eyes sad. Jon and Spencer are at a loss as to what they should do! They don't want to upset her further, but they can't let that bastard Ross treat their little girl like this! Alas!
Finally they just pack up and start on their way out of town. They are perhaps a mile out of town when they hear a shout from behind them. Glancing back, Jon and Spencer are shocked to see Ross running after them, his usually immaculate dress flapping in the breeze, his fabulous black shoes brown with the dirt of the road, his hand clutching his hat to his head. Jon and Spencer share a glance, and at first it looks like Spencer is going to speed the horses up, Jon lays a hand on his leg, and Spencer sighs and the wagon pulls to a stop. Ross finally gets there, panting like crazy and trying to catch his breath. "I– I must– I must speak with Miss Brenda Walker," he begs.
There's a sound of movement from the door behind where Jon and Spencer sit at the front of the wagon, and a young man in slightly too-big clothes clambers out to sit next to Jon and Spencer. "You can't speak with her," he says, face blank of emotion. "But you can with me. If you're willing."
For a moment Ryan is confused and doesn't understand but then, then the stranger bites his lip nervously, and oh. Oh, Ryan knows that face. He reaches up and takes the stranger's hand lightly in his. "Please," he says softly, his voice breaking part way through the word, "I just want to ask her for the name of the man I love."
And there's a great sob from Brendon and Jon and Spencer reach around him and haul Ryan up onto the seat of the wagon and there are embraces and Brendon tries to explain about his family and how he has to hide and Ryan calls himself an idiot for being scared and acting so stupidly, and Spencer is snide and agrees with him until Jon drags him into the wagon so as to give the kids some privacy, though they both totally listen with their ears pressed against the door once they're inside, trying to hear what's going on.
Spencer Smith will tell you that the best business investment he ever made was when he decided to branch out a bit. While his wagon still proclaims him to be, "THE AMAZING SPENCER SMITH AND HIS TRAVELLING SHOES," it is now followed by a second wagon, this one claiming to belong to, "MONSIEUR G.R. ROSS, MYSTICAL MEDIUM" (they tried travelling in a single wagon at the start, but that just didn't work, because it was hard enough to fit three people and Spencer's shoes all in one space, you could forget about four; and besides, Ryan liked his privacy). Jon Walker will disagree with him, however. Fond as he is of his brother-in-law, he'll tell you that the best business investment Spencer Smith ever made was when he folded to the wide, frightened eyes of a comely young woman. "Us Walkers, we bring good luck," he'll say with a grin, winking at his sister. She smiles sweetly back.
Ryan ignores them all and grumbles that they're lucky his parents are dead, or else his mother would be demanding to know where her grandchildren are already.
♥ ♥ ♥